Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Randomize
