I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
my phone needs a breathalizer
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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