Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
