Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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