Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
