NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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