when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
