This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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