I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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