Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
