you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
