ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
