Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
A+ Viking dick
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
