Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
