This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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