Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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