yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
