i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
