it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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