i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She told me I should be a condom model.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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