So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
