I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
