butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
