can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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