apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
