hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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