Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
