the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Randomize
