Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
