i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
