Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
