you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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