I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
