sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
