Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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