ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
