i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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