sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
