Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
