I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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