Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I need to calm my uterus...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
