I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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