New invention idea: vibrating tampons
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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