So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my sisters under your porch take her home
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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