he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
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you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
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I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon