Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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