so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
