im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
vagina is talking i cant
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I made him laugh his dick is mine
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
