i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
