just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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