There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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