Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
