God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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