I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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