I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
