He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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