saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
